Pain & Love – A Poem

Pain ~ that old familiar saying
It twists like a knife in your heart
No point in trying to be more profound
Someone has put it well, you can’t put it better than that.
    II
Pain ~ for emptiness and loneliness
Pain ~ for unrequited love
Not the love for a lover ~ but the love for a father
A small girl ~ whose heart was full of love
But that love went flat
     III
Strange ~ what one does with pain
They erect barbed wire
And fence it in.
Then they begin a life where love is thin
Alone behind a wall
With others outside
And them alone within.
      IV
Instead of people ~ they have a wall
And by that wall are fed
In that wall they see their reflection
A heart of stone
A spirit dead.
       V
And on reflection it would seem the truth
That her father was skilled at wall building too
That he had no connection, with the person from above
He only learned to build walls ~ never learned to love.
      VI
Pain ~ for the folly of repeating history
I took lessons from the wrong father ~ multiplied my misery
I didn’t know the calm ~ I didn’t know the balm
Too familiar with the knife that twists
It became my signature dish.
I dished it to my husband
I dished it to my sons
I dished it to myself
And to everyone.
Convinced that for my sins
My Father gave me lashes
Whips on tender skin
With hate my heart he washes.
      VII
Children can get used to anything at all
Evil can become routine then expected as the norm
Their minds twisted
Their bodies abused
The intents of their hearts subverted
As Satan shapes their world.
     VIII
So hard to grasp the truth
It was Him who took the lashes
For my sins there at the cross
With His blood my heart he washes.
Even me, the lonely girl
He has seen ~ He didn’t forget
Accepted despite my heart perverse
And loved with the love that I can learn.
      IX
So sitting at my window
And weighing on reflection
Have I built a wall or built a house
Is that even the question?
Woman folly tears her house down
Woman folly puts a wall up
Upon the sand a house will fall
What’s the question ~ where’s the rub?
      X
Here’s the question ~ here’s the pain
Have I built my house in vain?
If I look at each brick one by one
What’s the writing on the wall?
Is He reflected in each stone?
What’s the name on the corner one?
I see some words that were borne from pain
I see some words reflect my shame.
     XI
Some words of gold ring in the morning
Like rays of sunshine on the mountains
His mercy’s new each day that rises
His treasure’s deep ~ He gives free prizes
A rushing world full of consumer action
Needs a stock exchange of divine transaction.
For my sins he paid my death,
For my shame he was humiliated
For filth, he gave me purity
He was punished, I was exonerated
For my heart of stone, a heart of flesh
A sacrifice for my selfishness
For my cruelty, he took those nails
For my pain, he shook in agony and wails
For my pride, a crown of thorns on his head
For my greed, he was numbered with the dead
He stood before the magistrates and I sniggered in the background
He was God’s holy One ~ among the sinners I was found.
     XII
I come to that place at the foot of the tree
His blood like holy tears washes me
I know the way that I should go
And I grieve for my father who has gone before
He never knew the holy way
His story is not for me to say
I forgive because He first loved me
I sacrifice my pain ~ give a free gift of mercy
      XIII           
Can I now swap the bricks I’ve chosen?
Can He revive  a heart that’s frozen?
I lay the bricks down at his bleeding feet
The place where sin and mercy meet
For suspicion can I have belief
For anger ~ understanding please
For hatred ~ bring the balm of love
For cruelty ~ gentle like a dove
For shouting ~ bring some healing words
For criticism ~ affirmation Lord
For punishment ~ discipline made from love
For guilt ~ forgiveness from God above.
For rudeness ~ manners and respect
For pre-eminence ~ serve and not neglect
For judgement ~  the plank out from my eyes
For folly ~ God’s ways to make me wise
For greed ~ bring generosity
For blindness ~ eyes of faith to see
For selfishness ~ sacrificial love
For self-protection ~  give me trust.
For crossness ~ patience, kindness please
For knowledge ~ from your Word and on my knees
For time misspent ~ the prayer of work
For interruptions ~ seen from the Lord
For introspection ~ fix my eyes on Him
The one who put to death my sin
    
Conclusion

It seems that every winding road I take
leads me to the cross
It must be Him that leads me
Despite my will and dross.
Again I crumble at my folly
Willful, foolish, blind
But Him the faithful Father
In His palm, He says "she's mine".
Such love it melts my bleeding heart
I cannot grasp the concept
Of the pure One covered with sin and shame
Our sin and death he conquered.
So at this foot, I pray, I see
That love, it was the remedy
That love that I must learn and live
It is my balm, it sets me free.